Friday, May 01, 2009

for noelle, on her due date

Today is May 1st.
A day that I have been dreading for weeks and weeks.
Today was Noelle's due date.

Oddly, it doesn't feel quite as terrible as I thought it might. Of course, the day is still early and I'm sure that it will have its ups and downs, but the sun still came up this morning. I'm still here, Ru's still here, and Signal's still here. The world didn't stop spinning just because my due date finally came. Although I kind of wish it had, if only just for a moment.

I wish that we were getting ready for the arrival of our sweet baby girl instead of trying to figure out when and if we'll get pregnant again. I wish I could be truly happy for pregnant friends instead of filled with envy. Most of all, I wish that there didn't have to be this hole in our hearts where Noelle was supposed to be. While it hurts less now than it did in December, I know that it will never go away. And sometimes that thought is just overwhelming.

To honour Noelle on her due date, I thought that I should take a few photos of things of hers to share with you all.

One of the only "pictures" that I have of our baby girl. Taken at about 11 weeks.

Noelle's angel Christmas ornament, purchased at the One of a Kind Show, and the stained glass heart that hung on the door of the hospital room as I gave birth to her.

The beautiful cross-stitch that EcoMum made for us.

A perpetual membership in the Jesuit Seminary's masses and prayers, given to us by L, C and K.

And last but certainly not least, Noelle's fluff. Although she never got to wear any of these items, I will always think of them as hers. If we ever welcome another baby into our family, they will be wearing their big sister's diapers.

If you're still with me at this point, thanks for listening. And thank you for taking a minute to think of our family and our little girl on this special day.


Sarah said...

*giant hugs for the whole family*

kidletsmum said...

Oh you guys, my heart still breaks for you as much as it did when Noelle was born.

Laura McF said...

hugs to you all today.

Liz said...

Please know we are thinking about the four of you!

mamamilkers said...

Oh honey. What an amazingly hard day. Thank you for taking the time to share it with everyone. My heart goes out to your and your family. (((HUG)))

pleasantlyfurious said...

Thank you for sharing. Sending you love and hugs.

karent0919 said...

If there is anyone on this planet who is/are meant to be parents (and a big brother), it's the C-P's. I truly hope it happens again for you soon.